This negativity has to stop, this aversion against the whole issue has to stop.

A person once told me, use emotions, use psychological warfare. Do anything you want, do anything you can, to get whatever you need to be done, to be done.

Maybe it does make sense. Maybe it isn’t that evil at all.

If this is the crap that everyone is using against one another, what difference does it make when I join in? I’d just be able to protect myself and my own interests when I use it sparingly right?

I’m so angry I don’t even think I make sense now.

I am seriously thinking of leaving. What am I staying for? This rubbish every single week? For people who I want to stay together as a team with, which I am super in love with as a whole, but yet squeezing me dry and pulling me at every single hair follicle I have?

It is affecting my normal routine, my scope, my expertise. You guys may think that it is nothing. It is not nothing.

I am wearing so thin, it’s no longer funny.

Staring at my bank account, it’s not funny too.

I always believe it is fine, everything is fine so long I enjoy what I am doing, I love the people around me, and that I will get to grow.

Having little pay is fine.

Being slightly bothered from time to time is fine.

I don’t want to settle for FINE any longer. I want to grow I can’t wait to grow. This is not aiding in me growing.

It is not mutually beneficial at all. Because if I don’t grow, I can’t grow, I am frustrated with me being stuck, it is doing no good to you at all.

I don’t think you guys get it.

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I really do feel like a hamster sometimes.

I think I am driven by jealousy sometimes.

Perhaps it was what happened, that makes me so wary of you.

I don’t dare to be close to you anymore.

There used to be a time when, I would be contented just sitting there staring into your eyes, talking about nothing, drowning into your eyes. Your eyes.

Now I can’t do that anymore

But I still care about you. I probably will never get over caring about you.

The only person that seems to be able to contend you on this is him.

And I guess you know.

And looking into him, as he talk, that entirely new feeling just takes control of me.

I wish I can make sense of all these, I wish I can make sense of how I am running away from you.

I wish I can make sense of how annoyed I feel when I see you around other girls.

I wish I can savor the negativity fully before I subconsciously push that thought away and forgets it.

Maybe then, I can make sense of it.

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fuck why am I so pathetic?

never, never will I put down my pride. Ever.

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收藏在眼眸 常徘徊左右 爱 猜到没有
愉快玩笑後 能全然退後 你 开心就够
这种感觉太亲厚 讲一千句也不够
假使讲了 你听到後或会走
这种恋爱太罕有 不需真正拥有
成全 衷心祝福然後就放手
放手 放开所有 彼此更自由
放手 其实我绝非爱得不够
放手 豁出所有 还有这个好友
已经 已经足够
遥远是宇宙 静静在背後 去看守就够
这种感觉太亲厚 讲一千句也不够
即使一刹有过冲动 挽你手
这种恋爱太罕有 不需真正拥有
成全 多舍不得仍然 是放手
放手 放开所有 彼此更自由
放手 其实我绝非爱得不够
放手 豁出所有 还有这个好友
已经 已经足够
放手 我的牵挂 找不到尽头
放手 期望你幸福甚麽都有
也许 爱很深厚 然而我早看得透
放手 至可拥有

I was in an especially foul and sleepy mood after a funfilled day today.

And it made me realise that seriously… noone but myself can bring myself out of my own misery.

Not the person that has been talking to me recently, constantly for no reason… not that person that I depended on way too much – because it is always a chore to try to bring people up.

I want to get my act up. I will start now.

It’s time that I… I stop attempting to reach for you. I’m tired already. As much as I feel miserable looking at the probable possibilities that would be missed if I walk away, as much as I wish that you’re indeed caring for me in a way that you don’t for others… as much as I wish you’d come after me. I guess I need some time off my mind, as much as you’re the only one that makes me feel completely secure and safe around, like the whole world outside doesn’t matter anymore and I can just sit there and laugh with you for eternity.

But that is not the real life, and like I told you before, I fear a comfort zone more than anything else because I’d just get too comfortable and that’s when my life just slips out of control in a spiral.

I want you and I need you but it’s time that I let it go.